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This is the first time I've even gone to my blog since the last post. 

/looks at last entry date.

Holy fuck.  I can't even give a legit reason as to why I've been absent for 45(!) days.  I wish I had a cool story about traveling to other states and helping poor people cope with the fact that every possession they owned is now littered across 3 square miles of backcountry Mississippi.  I wish I could tell you that I served meals to people with no electricity, running water, gas, heat, Facebook, ESPN, 4G hotspots, or even clean clothes.  I honestly wish I could tell you that I was sent to some podunk town in another state for 15 days.  But the real reason I have been gone so long is simple: I'm lazy. 
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I have lived in my apartment for more than 5 months.  I still have never vacuumed the carpet.  I have a dish washer.  I've never used it because I'm too lazy to fill it up.  Seriously, lazy enough to NOT use a dish washer.  My mom bought me a brand new stovetop popcorn maker.  (side note: popcorn is HUGE in my family.  If someone ever chronicled the life of my family, which would be a terrible idea in itself, they would find that my parents buy popcorn kernels in 50 pound bags from Sam's Club.  Literally the shit that movie theaters buy.)  So I have a brand new popcorn maker but I've never used.  Too lazy to make that glorious, glorious popcorn.  God I could eat an entire bowl of popcorn right now.  At least like 3 pounds.
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So I bet you're thinking that there was some moment that happened to me that I just had to write about.  And you would be correct.  I'm going to attempt to retell what happened to me no longer than 2 hours ago.

I was at a neighborhood bar with 5 other people.  Nothing about this bar struck me as odd or weird.  Couches and tables inside, patio out back to enjoy the weather, decently priced beers.  OK so that last one struck me as odd.  So the 6 of us get drinks and find a table out on the patio, talking about youtube videos, or cats, or some other similar bullshit.  There are probably 6 other tables of people doing exactly what we are doing.   All of a sudden music starts playing and out walks some dude carrying a boombox Say Anything style.  Behind him is a guy with no shirt and a speedo and two guys with no shirt, speedo, and deer antlers who begin dancing.  I think.  More like gyrating their pelvises and walking around tables the opposite of seductively.  All the while, they have pulled down the back of their speedos and bare cheeks are exposed. 

They eventually made it over to us and began to dance on the empty picnic table next to us.  Strange as bare male ass might be, I've seen worse things before.  And then the "main" guy without the antlers, decided to step it up a notch and whip out his dong, not even 5 feet from us.  And then he decided to do it again.  As these guys were walking around the tables, 5 or 6 people were following them with cameras taking pictures and filming.  
 
They made their way to another table next to us, one with about 5 people sitting around it, and the guy proceeded to hump the table Madonna style.  After what seemed like 4 minutes (because it was 4 minutes), the music ended and they all walked out like nothing happened.  And just like that, a relatively good evening had turned into man ass and tiny ball sac pictures in my mind. 

The six of us at the table just kind of sat there in a daze for a few seconds with a "did that just happen" and "why the fuck did that just happen" look on our faces.  Austin is fucking weird.  Moral of the story: it takes bare ass for me to write.  So send in your submissions!
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In the time since I've last written I've become: an uncle, an instructor at work, and the recipient of a $400 check from the government.

I'm hoping this gets me back into the rhythm of posting.  Only time will tell.
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Y'all come back now y'hear.