Uhhhh

/tapping mic
"Is this thing on?  Can anyone hear me?"

I really don't know why I can't keep a better writing schedule.  I'm sure the 8 hour work days plus the 100+ degree heat plus the general laziness is a big factor though.  So many things have happened since I last checked in: I went home for the first time since 2010 (CHICAGO!) , met my doppelganger who happens to be maybe 3 months old (NEPHEW!), I visited San Antonio (ALAMO!), America celebrated it's birthday (AMERICA!), 4 college friends came to visit (RAPTURE!), and I swam in the Gulf of Mexico (WATER!). 
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In early June, I made my way back to the southside of Chicago for the first time since two days after Christmas '10.  But who's counting?  I flew in on a Wednesday night and stayed until Monday.  In those five nights, I reacquainted with old friends, met my month-old aforementioned doppelganger, and drank lots of beers.  I also happened to be in town for my 8th grade ten year reunion.  Take your time and reread that if necessary.  A few of the more overachiever classmates had gotten together and reserved a private room at a local bar, Bourbon St.  The bar happens to be 3 blocks from my folks house and there was an open bar so I really couldn't NOT go.  It was great to catch up with people, many whom I hadn't seen in 10 years.  Although only 45 or so out of 70 something showed up, I'd definitely say it was the 45 best looking people.  (Suck it people who didn't go.  I literally came in from Texas and you couldn't make the drive from the northside?) 

So to recap: absolutely nothing changed while I was in Austin for those 6 months.  Except my sister having a kid, that changed a little.  And by a little, I mean he's a huge baby.  It's only a matter of time before I'm wearing his old clothes.  Ones that I probably even bought for him.

I was going to put a pic of him in here, rocking a White Sox bib and Raybans, but I don't think I can trust y'all with family pics.  Yet. 
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While at home, my mom decided to go through my old room and make me decide which things I wanted and which things she could throw out aka attempt to sell at a garage sale and not compensate me for.  (Side tangent: my mom sold my Dyno NSX, blue and yellow with black pegs, at a garage sale for $2.  She didn't even give me the money.  I didn't have a bike after that.  And no, I'm not bitter.)  So while going through some of my old shit, I found some gems that I thought were good enough to immortalize with photographic evidence.  Place your eyes on these gems:

Reign Man

 Along with every other male in the 1990s, I thought these were my route to riches.  I thought this card was going to put my kids through college.  Now my kids will have to go through college the old fashioned way: with tens of thousands of dollars of debt!

This is a list of people I hate that I wrote while in college.  The back had a few as well: the band Rush and a few more that I can't remember for the life of me. 

This list was created in 2006 or so.  Barry Bonds was at the height of his abomination of baseball records.  Larry the Cable Guy was at the height of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour success (how?  I have no idea)  Dog the Bounty Hunter was a blond (apparently when talking about a woman, it's spelled "blonde" and when a man "blond."  Seriously.) haired freak of a man that cried, on average, two times an episode.  Also, he had a son named Leyland.  Jared the Subway guy was STILL famous for being really fat then losing it by walking to and eating Subway sandwiches.  Literally became a millionaire by eating a lot and not exercising then stopped eating as much and exercised.  If that's not the American Dream, then nothing is.  Stephen A. Smith used to be a sportswriter in Philly and then on ESPN.  He likes to yell a lot and not make logical arguments.  Also, he likes to yell a lot.  Mr. Spring Break is the dirtiest motherfucker I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.  I literally do not even want to type out how he destroyed the youth of several college friends and myself.  (OK I will.  Met him in Panama City, FL for spring break of my junior year.  We were the college aged kids staying at the hotel on the beach.  He was the middle-aged man staying at the hotel on the beach.  At first, the novelty of it was too good for us to not party with him.  The details are fuzzy, but one of the six of us was given a computer disc from him. Once we drove back to Ohio, we popped it in some one's computer.  The images we saw will be forever ingrained in my mind.  Sometimes, you just can't unsee things.  That old ass motherfucker had given us a cd filled with pictures of him in various poses of undress with peanut butter and jelly.  I think I'll stop typing and throw up again right now.)  Tom the Myspace Prick, is, well Tom who created Myspace.  At the time, myspace was definitely more popular than it is now.  He was so smug in that picture and he just had to be everyone's myspace friend.  To be honest, I'm not even sure myspace is still around.  If I ever redid this list, I'd probably take him off just because I'm sure his life now sucks.   As far as the back of the list, I fucking hate the band Rush.  Geddy Lee and his Tom Sawyer can get fucked. 
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Canadian Crippler.  Canadian Murderer also works

My dad had a Navy reunion in St. Louis sometime around the late 90s.  The WWF was in town and some of the wrestlers were staying at the same hotel as us.  I happened to meet Eddie Guerrero, Trish Stratus and, as the picture shows, Chris Benoit.  At the time, this was probably my most-prized possession.  (I was a pretty big wrestling fan).  Nowadays, it's kind of creepy to think I have the autograph of a murderer.  (For those who don't know, he murdered his wife and son and then hung himself in 2007)  Just want to point out that I met him WAY before 2007.  (Notice the WWF as opposed to WWE.)   
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And with no segue whatsoever, here's a picture of the Alamo in San Antonio to prove I was there earlier this month.  I never actually made it inside but I definitely made enough Ozzy/peeing jokes for two people.  Really, one Ozzy/peeing joke is enough for two people.  We also walked along the Riverwalk and had margaritas while PRAYING someone would fall into the water.  My prayers went unanswered that day. 

To be fair, I couldn't find the bathrooms either Ozzy

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To keep things honest and fair (and so I can stop writing) I'm going to save the stories of the Rapture in Austin and my trip to the Gulf for my next post.  Based on past performance, you should be able to read about them around September 16th.  By then, I'll have new stories about Austin City Limits!!  Yes, another music fest in Austin that we're going to.  The "we're" this time is oldest sister Katie and I.  Two biggest Austin music fests in my first year?  Yup. 
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So uh, I know I've said this before, but I'm really going to try and write pretty regularly.  The italics makes it legit. 

Y'all come back now y'hear.